10 facts to know about transparency in marriage
Lack of transparency in any aspect of life affects the unit, group, or organization. How much more in an institution that both parties are meant to act as one unit.
When you agreed to marry your spouse, you indirectly made the choice to share your life forever with someone.
The lack of transparency in so many marriages has led to so many problems and causes breakups in relationships.
The question most people are asking is “to what extent must I be transparent”
It is true that it is very hard to completely share everything with our spouse. Especially for a private person who has been single for so long.
I will not answer the question for you. At the end of this article, you can make the choice yourself.
Marriage and transparency
Marriage is a relationship between two people. Two different kinds of people with different backgrounds, choices, upbringing, and life goals.
The deficiency in marital transparency usually arises when couples fail to realize the fact that they are completely different.
It is true that your partner may have certain similarities with you. But this does not mean that they see life the way you do.
It takes patient, love, and time to really understand the kind of person our partner really is.
When we can understand them, we can learn to communicate with them more effectively.
At the bedrock of transparency in marriage is effective communication. Without effective communication, couples will see no need to be transparent.
Secretiveness has led to the ruin of so many marriages. There is a popular saying that we lie to protect those we love.
Is this really true? What is your point of view about this concept?
I totally disagree with this concept, if you love someone you will not subject them to double hurt.
Let’s consider this case study:
Two teenagers (a boy and a girl) were so in love in high school. They did everything together, in fact in school people call them the golden couple.
Their love was so strong for each other and everyone thought they will eventually become life partners.
But this did not happen because immediately after high school they went to different colleges.
What many people didn’t know was that they tried really hard to keep the relationship. But they were continent apart so it was almost impossible.
Subsequently, they both grew tired and decided to let go. Few months after the breakup the girl discovered that she was pregnant.
She was in her 2nd year in college medical school precisely. There was almost nothing she could do.
Her parents immediately informed the parents of the boy. However, his parents were not exactly supportive.
They did not want anything to distract their son, neither did they want any baby mama drama attached to his name.
His parents were politicians and their son was to follow in their footsteps.
Therefore, they kept it a secret and threaten the girl never to tell him.
The girl decided to keep it a secret till her baby was born before contacting him. However, she died during childbirth.
The boy heard the news of her death but his parents didn’t let him attend the burial.
A few months later he received an anonymous letter, the girl left a letter with a friend.
He found out about the child from the letter. He was shocked but he immediately took up the responsibility of raising the child.
The child stayed with his ex-girlfriend’s parents while he always visited and provided for his child.
A few years later he got married and they had a child. However, he was always pestering his wife about a young boy he wants to adopt.
His wife was aware of his love for a particular child but she never knew why.
She was a very lovable woman hence, after much pestering she accepted.
He brought his child into his home as an adopted son and his wife was oblivious for 7 years.
When she found out she was extremely hurt for three different reasons;
- The fact that he lied to her
- He didn’t trust her enough to share this part of his life with her.
- He actually deceived her by forging adoption papers.
Ladies what would you do? Will you react differently. Please let me know your contributions in the comment section below.
Was the man, right? Should he have handled the matter differently? Guys I would love to hear what you think about the man’s approach.
Personally, I think the lady is very understanding. She was completely okay with him adopting a grown child even though they already had a child.
He knows the kind of lady he married; he should have made a trial of telling her the truth.
I know he probably really wants his son close to him, and he was scared that his wife will say no. He did not want her to set an ultimatum of choosing between her or his son.
However, this recent hurt would have been avoided if only he told her the truth from the onset.
What is transparency
According to the English dictionary, transparency is the quality of being transparent. It can also be seen as openness and accessibility to scrutiny.
It’s quite ridiculous that we prefer to be transparent with strangers than with the people we claim to love.
It is not uncommon to meet someone for the very first time. And tell them everything about yourself, things you haven’t even told your spouse.
Why exactly does this happen?
Let’s talk out the reasons you can be transparent with a stranger but not your spouse.
The issues with transparency in marriage
How you ever met someone for the first time. And engage in a conversation where you tell them all about you.
Things you haven’t told anyone including the love of your life?
Well, if you haven’t that’s great but I have. Countless times I have told certain secrets to strangers. I really hope I don’t ever see them again.
And even if I do see them, I also pray that we do not remember each other.
What motivates us to talk to strangers that have no idea who we are. Leaving our partners in the dark.
Fear of judgment
This is one of the most dreadful moments for some people. Just like our case study the man was probably scared. That his wife may think he was a flirt, she might start wondering how many other kids he might need to adopt.
Our partners may not actually judge us. Rather we are the ones judging ourselves. Based on societal morals and standards.
When we make certain mistakes, at that moment we completely forget that sometimes mistakes are inevitable.
At some point, everyone had made a mistake in their life. This fear of judgment makes us very susceptible to inadequate transparency in marriage.
Fear of judgment is one of the dreadful moments while the look is the most dreaded. We subconsciously picture the look of disappointment or shock that appears on our partner’s face.
The look is specific for different mistakes. It could be a look of hurt, pain, disappointment, or anger.
Whatever the look may be, most people do not want to be on the receiving side of this look.
Nobody loves this not even kids. They hate it when we relate their present mistake with something they previously did.
The only people that love reference and even demand it are researchers and book authors.
People are scared of sharing their moments of weaknesses with their spouses. Because they don’t want it to become a popular line whenever they err.
For instance, from our case study;
If the man keeps a late night, she might say something like. Is there another child I should know of? or do you have another family?
Humans don’t like when their mistakes are brought up or used while confronting them. It is more hurtful.
The most famous line
This is the big bad for the lack of transparency in marriages.
Woman: Why didn’t tell me
Man: I didn’t want to hurt you
Hello!! I’m hurt both by the issue and your refusal to tell me. It’s like a double hurt.
The guilt of sharing the same bed or living in the same house. After sharing what was seemingly a heart-wrenching secret might be hard to deal with.
People find it easier to live with a lie than to face the truth. I still don’t understand why it is easier to live as a villain rather than a human with feelings.
Facts to know about transparency in marriage
- Transparency in marriage can prevent future hurt.
- Effective communication is one of the most important tools for transparency.
- If you keep hiding a bad past from your spouse today. It might be used as blackmail on you tomorrow.
- Love yourself enough to keep your mind free from self-hate. Hoarding mistakes might only lead to an increase in self-criticism.
- Start your relationship with transparency. It’s better earlier than never.
- Don’t ever use a mistake as a future reference. It will greatly hinder the flow of transparency in your marriage.
- If you want to enjoy transparency in marriage you must be an understanding partner. Never forget that you also make mistakes so keep the judgment minimal.
- Don’t involve third parties, it ruins transparency in marriage.
- If you need to lie about it to your partner. Then maybe it isn’t a good idea.
- Forgiveness is the key.
Transparency may have its flaws but it definitely prevents double hurt. It is better, to tell the truth, and receive judgment from others.
It is so much better than living a lie. In order to receive love from others while you constantly judge yourself every day.
Marriage has its ups and downs; everyone has a past and of course a secret.
Don’t keep a secret that can potentially harm your marriage in the future.
P.s: stop telling strangers about your secrets. You don’t know which one you might meet again and in what position (friend or enemy).