Typing these words out “how to deal with a toxic relationship” and suddenly everything seems real?
You have accepted so much and you are sick and tired of settling for less when you can get better.
But then, this is your friend…
Someone you love, you’ve been through so much together and it took so long to realize that it was a toxic relationship.
And now you can’t help but remember all the tiny-bits of “harmless jokes” that hurt.
Now, the picture is clearer. Everything makes sense.
Torn between what to do and what not to do you made a decision to ask “Google”
Hey Google? What do you think?
Should I end this friendship or try to fix it?
1. End it(bye-bye toxic friendship)
Okay jokes apart, this seems like the easier and faster option – but is it?
Can you walk up to your friend and say…
“Hey, I don’t want to be friends with you, I don’t think it’s working”
Of course, few people can, but can you?
Get to know the four stages of “End- it” before your move to “end-it”
a. Better than you stage
If you aren’t careful, you won’t get through this stage.
It’s the stage where you condemn yourself for every single wrong you’ve ever done.
It’s the “Oh, but I’m not perfect too, why am I acting like I’m such a better person.”
That’s because you’re!
Someone you love and trust hurt you every single day, it’s almost normal to always try to cover for them.
Guess that’s why they say love is blind.
But for how long?
You searching for this topic goes a long way to show how sick and tired you are of the entire fiasco.
You’re not perfect, that’s a fact!
But it’s not about you right now, it’s about a high level of toxicity your friend displays (repeatedly).
If you wanna end it, you need to quit the “I’m not perfect, I blame myself game”
And move to the next step.
b. It’s fine stage
When you survive the high tides of the first stage and land here…
This is your resting phase!
At this point you’re considering letting everything go and giving them one more chance.
“I will talk to him/her and I’m certain they’ll change”
Nothing changes because you didn’t have “The talk,”
You just ignore their toxicity, your hurt and pretended like everything is fine.
This can go on and on for years!
Till you get choked up and return back to the “better than you stage”
And of course, you end up here again.
It’s a hard stage to cross.
c. I don’t care stage
At this point, you’re more concerned about your mental health and peace of mind.
You’ve taken soooo much and you’re close to exploding.
Most people explode at this stage because they’re too angry and hurt to have a civil discussion.
The conversation can begin on a calm note but then…
The toxic friend starts the blame game or turns the card around to become the victim.
And you lose it.
So here’s what you wanna do…
Calm down!
Yes, you don’t care about fixing the relationship but a quarrel can be avoidable.
P.S exchanging words is pretty stressful, looking for the right hurtful comebacks and all.
So you need to calm down.
You’ve gotten to this stage, but you might decide to change your mind.
Using hurtful words that you can’t take back can ruin the friendship forever.
d. Deal or deal-breaker
It’s not over until it’s over.
To end a toxic relationship, you must get to this stage, this is where the final decision takes place.
At this stage, you are either signing the end of friendship or the let’s fix it contract.
You’ve got to be mindful of your words because one word can ruin that contract forever.
If it’s a final deal-breaker, here is what you wanna do
(i). Mirror practice
You need to get your words together, you can’t take it back no matter how many times you apologize.
Stand in front of your mirror, practice, edit and practice again.
(ii). Calm down- it’s gonna get heated
You need to prepare for the worst case scenario- the argument might get ugly and loud.
It is amazing that you are aware of this ahead of time, now, all you need to do is remind yourself to calm down.
For example; if your friend is screaming and throwing harsh words, give yourself a slight “I expected this pinch.”
(iii). Call it quit
There are so many people that are skilled in playing the “victim card.”
They turn events around to portray themselves as the victim, apologising is extremely difficult for them.
If your friend falls in the category you need to be cautious.
Have the mirror practice (avoid their eyes if possible), be calm and after their ranting, say these exact words…
“Please (friend’s name) I don’t think this is working, you’ve hurt me countless times. I’m sure i have too, and it’s obvious that sorry can’t fix it anymore. I believe it’s time we stop hurting each other and move on.
P.S it doesn’t have to be these exact words.
A school of thought to remember “Be polite but clear.”
2. Fix it(toxic friendship repair in progress)
You’re ready to leave, you love them too much to say goodbye so…
You’re gonna end here, the “let’s try to fix it” stage.
And again there are 3 sub-stages.
a. It’s gonna ruin everything
You’re scared!
So scared that you’ll rather stay quiet and bear toxicity than ruin your friendship.
At this stage, you don’t care about yourself, mental health or peace of mind.
All that runs through your mind is…What if they leave.
That’s supposed to be a good thing right?
You no longer have to deal with a toxic friend or hide behind fake smiles when all you wanna do is scream.
A lot of people are stuck here, no forward or backward movement…
Just moping around organising a self-pity party of “please don’t leave me”
Most times it takes a heart-wrecking experience to activate the “end it” stage.
b. Oh! Thank God
Strange heading right? Thought so too.
Anyway, at this stage you’re super grateful to any supernatural being your believe you.
You can’t believe you almost ended your friendship with such an amazing person.
You don’t get the gist?
Okay…here’s what happened.
You mustered the courage to speak to your friend about the display of toxicity she/he displays.
And they become super apologetic and remorseful.
Infact, they offer to break off the friendship since they are hurting you.
No, they don’t play the victim game.
They acknowledge the fact that they hurt you, apologise for their wrong, are willing to seek ways to fix it and offer to end the relationship if it’s the only way out.
That’s pretty amazing!
c. What? Let’s end it.
Here comes the game players.
They don’t wanna hear what you’ve got to say, they call you sensitive and touchy.
Somehow, everything turns out to be your fault.
You get sooo mad.
Their attitude and manner of approach lands you a first class ticket to the “I don’t care stage” of let’s end it.
So who’s a toxic friend? Could I be one?
While reading this article, you were super curious about your friends.
You started recalling their mistakes and wondering if they’re toxic or not.
That’s great…Have an amazing screening exercise.
But you forgot something, you are someone’s friend too.
Could it be that you’re toxic?
Let’s find out with these 2 major characteristics of toxic friends.
- They never consider your feelings
Do you have that friend that’s always hurting your feelings but never says sorry for it?
They make decisions but never get your opinion even if it’s about you?
Whenever you try to complain, they get upset and try to victimise you.
That’s not a healthy friendship, you need to let go of it.
You’re tired but you don’t want to lose the friendship although you’re losing your mind.
True friends will never do this.
A real friend that loves you will care about you, your opinions and apology when you complain.
- A toxic friend makes you feel small every time.
If you’ve got friends, you’ll know that teasing is one trait friends can’t do without.
Your true friends would tease you till you cry but they got your back and you know it.
But this is not the case with a toxic friend.
Toxic friends claim they are teasing you but they aren’t, it’s just a round of humiliation and embarrassment.
They don’t care about how you feel, never listen when you complain but go on and on to humiliate you in the presence of anybody.
Here’s a little advice for you, “apply these tips on how to deal with a toxic relationship and end it immediately”
So back to you? Are you a toxic friend?
You know the answer this question.
Conclusion
It’s difficult to deal with a toxic friendship because it’s a matter of the heart.
But what can you?
You have tried a million and one times to fix what doesn’t what to be fixed, now, you re left with one choice.
Face the hurt and end it.
No one can make this decision for you, you’ve to do it yourself.
