The Dangers of third-party in a marriage
I’m very certain that most marriages face lots of problems due to the influence of third-party in a marriage.
What I can’t seem to understand is the reason why people constantly involve the opinions of others in their relationship when it yields little or no significant positive result.
Marriage is meant to be a closely knotted circle, not a social circle where everyone has an opinion.
The involvement of people in a closely knotted union can cause separation. For instance, if a bag can only fix 10 items, however, you try to force 20 items into it.
What happens? The bag gets ruin completely or it extends above the elasticity limit.
This is exactly the same thing that occurs with the inclusion of unwanted third-party in a marriage.
Marriage has its ups and down, most couples who have been married for over 10 years or more can testify to this.
It is the only institution where a certificate is handed to a student without passing an exam. Funny ideology!
Yes! During most church weddings or court marriages, the couples are given a certificate. No classes, no projects, no exams. Just a little prior notice about the basic concept of marriage.
As funny as it sounds this is the truth and reality. Despite the numerous books, seminars, conferences, and training on marriage. Most people are still not prepared for the highs and lows that come with marriage.
Hence the need for separation after barely 2-3 years of saying “I do”
There are a lot of factors that affect marriages, among the major factors, the influence of third-party in a marriage ranks high.
What exactly is third-party
According to the English dictionary, a third party is someone not directly involved in a transaction. Someone only incidentally or tangentially connected to an incident or dispute.
A third party in a marriage is an indirect link or external feature. Marriage does not have a formula; a third party might truly want to help.
However, what works for Couple A might not be effective for couple B. This is what most people tend to forget.
The fact that constant date night and gifting helped to improve the intimacy in Couple A relationship does not mean that the same will happen to couple B.
The love language and personality of both partners might be completely from that of Couple A. Hence your advice as a third party might be good but ineffective.
Who makes up the third-party in a marriage
Third parties include family members and friends. Humans are social beings, when we are hurt by the ones we love, we seek for solace in the arms of our close friends and relatives.
This is not wrong neither is it a crime however the usage is the essential problem.
The questions most people are probably asking are;
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Is a marriage counselor a third party?
I can say no to this question but it will contradict the dictionary definition of a third party. A marriage counselor is a professional, trained to help struggling marriages.
Though they can be classified as third-party in a marriage, however, they seek the stability and growth of your marriage.
Although they are paid for their services, they derive their greatest joy when your marriage succeeds.
Consequently, we will talk about the benefits of a third party. A marriage counselor falls under the classification of a beneficial third party in a marriage.
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Does it mean I can no longer share my problems with friends?
Permit me to answer the question with a question. Who exactly are your friends? Have they experienced similar problems?
Why are you telling them; advice or comfort? Do they always pick sides or show favoritism while handling issues?
These are all the questions you should answer before sharing your marital issues with a friend
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I thought a problem shared is a problem half solved.
It totally depends on who you are sharing the problem with. Only someone with a solution or an idea that can proffer a solution can actually solve a problem.
From my personal experience, I found out that when I share my worries with certain people it does change much.
Instead, I’m quite worried about what they can do with the information or perhaps if they will treat me differently.
However, there are also certain people I can talk to and I feel less burdened or stressed by the whole issue.
This is totally dependent on the kind of person or people you are talking to.
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Aren’t two heads supposedly better than one
Even the bible says this so definitely it is true. Most times we find ourselves struggling with a particular issue. But when we muster up the courage to ask for help, we discover that the issue wasn’t as hard as it seemed.
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Does this mean I should keep my problems to myself even when I’m sad or depressed?
That’s exactly why you have a partner to talk with. This is the major reason why effective communication is needed in a relationship.
All these questions are valid, answerable, and humane. As social beings, humans find solace in discussing their problems with friends and family alike.
This is not bad, however; certain factors corrupt it.
Let’s quickly discuss the3 major benefits of a third-party opinion.
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Unbiased opinion
If you are opportune to have great friends or family members. Individuals with great insight and the ability to judge a situation without a biased approach then, you are completely lucky.
Nowadays most people have friends who fully support them even when they are completely wrong. Nobody wants to be labeled as “Miss goody two shoes”, self-righteous or a hypocrite. Hence people tend to keep their genuine opinions to themselves.
This is not a good trait as the person’s opinion may affect your marriage.
An opinion without a biased approach will clearly look deeply into the situation at hand. The individual will try to identify the major problem. Then, they will point out the role of each partner in breeding and aggravating the problem.
The final step will be a proposed solution that will immediately lead to the settling of the dispute.
An unbiased opinion does not make conclusions based only on what is seen or heard. It involves a critical analysis of the problem and proffering applicable solutions.
Third parties offer an extra view of the situation. They look deeply into the events that occurred without attaching strong emotions to the party.
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Another point of view
Most times people fight because they both feel right and no one wants to apologize. A third party can easily point out the wrongs made by each individual.
For example, if a married couple is not in speaking terms as a result of a lack of understanding and communication. A third party who is still on speaking terms with both parties can serve as a bridge between the couples.
By communicating with both parties without hiding the truth from them. The individuals can easily recognize their faults and try to make up.
Another person’s point of view can serve as a baseline upon which the parties involved measure their rights and wrong. When two people are having an issue, both parties claim to be the victim.
It only on rare occasions will the wrong individual actually admit it.
If the third party is a very close friend of both parties, he/she will be giving their genuine opinion about the problem.
However, no matter how genuine the third party is, the issue can only be resolved by the complete involvement of both parties.
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A chance of expression
Most times when people fight, they use loud voices to throw blame at each other. However, when a reasonable third party is involved, both parties are given a fair chance to explain the events that led to the fight.
People fight for an extended period of time because they haven’t been able to establish effective communication skills with the other person.
The reason most fights last for a very long period of time is that both parties are talking and not one of them is listening.
A third party can help both parties stay quiet then establish proper communication with one party talking at a time and the other actually listening.
Effective communication is one that the listener actually listens to understand not to criticize or antagonize.
When both parties can express themselves without shouting, raining abuses, or arguing. Then the major issue identified and tackled.
You are probably wondering if a third party has so many astonishing benefits, then how exactly does it affect marriages.
You have probably heard the saying that too many cooks spoil the broth. This saying is attainable in this context.
When there is too much advice coming from different sources it could be a potential disaster.
5 dangers of third-party opinion
There are several dangers or negative consequences affected by the wrong usage of third-party opinion. However, for the course of this article, we will only talk about the 5 major dangers associated with third-party opinion.
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Generalization
There is an error that occurs in research work known as gender bias. It occurs when only one gender is used as the sample in research. However, the results obtained are generalized to both genders.
This problem also occurs with third-party opinion. The opinion of a third party might be due to what they have seen or heard. However, in most cases, it is not applicable to the current issue.
For instance, a couple had a fight about late hours or negligence towards important dates (anniversary, birthday). A third party might generalize the problem as insensitivity on the forgetful partner path.
This is the general rule, right? If a partner forgets important dates, they are completely insensitive to big moments. This might be true in some cases however it isn’t always the case.
According to health Harvard, there are certain factors that can make a person forgetful. If your partner is forgetful naturally and you have already noticed this.
There is no need to involve third-party attention to a private family issue. Instead, have a discussion with your partner on the steps to take to ensure that they remind the important dates.
The erring partner should also ensure that they do their best to do what makes their partner happy. This issue can be resolved without additional input from third parties.
In as much as insensitivity is a cause of forgetfulness, ensure that you critically analyze the situation personally. Before seeking a third-party opinion to avoid a case of generalization.
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Problem Enhancement
It is possible that as a wife or husband, you know the flaws of your partner. There are some flaws that are hard to ignore. However, with understanding, most couples learn to live with the weakness of their partner.
A third party might not understand this rather they might try to magnify the issue you have been trying to ignore.
No one can understand your spouse better than you do. Don’t let silly talks ruin the love, trust, and understanding you share with your partner.
Third parties might have good intentions however, they are simply judging the issue based on what they heard. They were not present in your decision to overlook certain flaws your party exhibited.
Through your discussion, they might pinpoint a particular flaw you have decided to ignore as the major cause of the issue.
Their judgment might lead to the escalation of an issue that could be easily settled.
However, the couple failed to communicate with themselves rather they took it to other people for validation and advice.
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Biased opinion
If your best friend or favorite sibling is responsible for judging the issue. The truth is that they might judge the matter in favor of you.
This is not because they hate your spouse however, they are simply making conclusions based on what they know about you.
They have little to no idea about how you relate to your partner. Or the characteristics of your partner hence there will be biases in their judgment.
A biased judgment will not offer any solution to the current issue. Instead, it will lead to further aggravation or enhancement of the problem.
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Publicize private problem
Most times when you talk about your issues to a third party. They tend to talk about it with their other friends or spouse.
It might not be with an aim to spite you; however, it sounds like juicy gossip to spill out.
If you have no intention of becoming a celebrity or major topic of discussion. Ensure that you keep your private matters secure, don’t confide in third parties.
They fall into the temptation of using your private family matters as a subject of discussion.
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Imbibe segregation between couples
If a couple each have a different third party. People with completely different values with them who they share their issues with.
A present or future problem of segregation may occur. These third parties might be giving the couple different wrong advice that can lead to separation.
For instance, if a couple had a fight, and instead of settling their issues, they result to third party opinion. The husband might be told to wait for the wife to apologize as she was at fault. While the wife may also wait for an apology from her husband.
The couple might not apologize for this issue for a long period of time. Due to the fact that they are patiently waiting for the first person to apologize.
Conclusion
Like many other things in the world, third-part in a marriage has its advantages and disadvantages.
As a couple, it is important to build up effective communication skills. These skills will help you navigate through life, it will also be useful in settling problems if they arise.
Choose to settle your marital issue with your spouse. If you need a third-party opinion ensures that you use subtlety or ask your next best friend “Google”.
It can direct you to informative articles like the one you are reading right now. This article comes from an unbiased opinion hence it is worth a trial.
