Don’t tell me you are expecting a yes or no to this question?
We all wish it was that easy right?
But marriage is a tricky subject and it should be treated with understanding and wisdom.
The thought of loving and being with one person forever can be scary, so you start asking certain questions
- Am I sure about him?
- Is she the one?
- Can I love her/him with this weakness?
- What if something happens
All these questions and more raise doubts in your mind about your partner…
And if this is not gotten rid of ASAP, it might lead to the destruction of that relationship.
The word “doubt” signifies uncertainty, it is the root cause of distrust and misunderstanding in a lot of relationships.
Doubts about getting married popularly known as cold feet is a major reason a bribe/groom fails to show up at the altar.
It can yield a positive or negative result, it all depends on how you use it.
Is it normal to have doubts about getting married
The major cause of doubts about getting married is fear.
We all know that fear is the big bad that destroys hopes and stops you from achieving your goals and visions.
Fear arises whenever you try to do something different and step out of your comfort zone…
And marriage is a big step – it’s huge!
Hence, fear is activated and will take genuine love, prayers and strong communication to get rid of it.
The doubt about getting married that arises due to fear of taking a big step is normal.
But there’s a second kind of doubt you should pay close attention to.
This doubt arises from red flags you’ve noticed in your partner.
During your dating and courting stage, you noticed them, but you were so in love to pay close attention.
But now, it’s marriage and your senses are picking up those signals you ignore.
This second doubt can save you from a lifetime of hurt and pain but can also make you lose the best thing that could have happened to you.
What to do when you have doubts about your partner
You need to find out what kind of doubt it is, is it a normal fear before marriage or is it a red flag you choose to ignore?
If it’s the former, here is what you want to do.
1. Take a break and breath
A wedding photographer made this statement in an interview
“I don’t know why but it seems like a lot of brides I’ve photographed during their wedding are stressed and upset. It’s very hard to get a genuine smile from a bride.”
Planning a wedding, especially without a wedding planner can be stressful.
You want everything to be perfect, you don’t want anyone to spoil your day so you are checking up on everything at the last minute.
All these last-minute activities will lead to stress and then you start wondering if she/he is even worth the stress.
You start recalling every little mistake they’ve ever made…
Then fear comes in and helps you build a vivid picture of something that has never happened.
In a few hours, you aren’t sure you want to the wedding. Everything began with stress!
Here’s an advice for you…
Stop doing everything!
Put someone you trust in charge and take a break from everything wedding-related including yourself.
Don’t listen to your thoughts, don’t give in to fear, and don’t over analyse any past mistakes.
Go somewhere “not wedding-related” and rest.
You can choose sleep, watch a movie, read a book or do anything not wedding-related.
2. Talk to someone
It’s most preferred to talk to someone who’s married…they’ve been in the same position.
Your single bestie might not be the best person to talk to because if she’s your maid of honour, she may be having a stressful day too.
Go talk to your mum, Sibling or married friend and tell them about your fears.
3. Tell your Boo
Do you know how all marriage advice talks about effective communication? This is not an exception.
It’s gonna be just the two of you in the marriage.
Tell him/her what you are experiencing, there’s a possibility that they are going through the same thing.
You can find solace and comfort in each other.
4. Say a prayer
As a believer, I can’t leave out this important point.
You have to talk to God about how you’re feeling, he has all the answers to your potential questions.
Talk to God and ask for his help (psalm 121:1-2).
Ask the Holy Spirit to guide your steps and lead you in every decision you make.
But if it’s the second kind of doubt, then you should do these…
1. Take a break and think
Get away from the mad rush I.e wedding preparations.
Go to a space where you won’t be disturbed, take a break and bring up those red flags.
This is your brainstorming session. Nobody is there with you so don’t be biased, be real.
- Find out whose fault it was?
- How was the issue resolved?
- How did everything turn out?
- Are you always backing down?
- Does he never apologize when he’s at fault?
- Does she always want to have her way?
Write down all the questions running through your mind and answer them.
2. Talk to God
You’re about to make a big decision so you need to talk to someone who knows the end from the beginning.
God speaks! The Bible assures us of this fact and the Holy Spirit is the proof. Ask God to help you make this decision, it is a lifelong vow.
3. You need an unbiased opinion
Talk to someone who will not support you or your spouse.
Your marriage counsellor or your pastor are good examples of people you can reach out to.
They will not decide for you but their insight will help you make a choice.
4. Talk to your spouse
This might sound scary but you have to do it!
There’s a popular saying that It Takes Two To Tango.
What if he/she has no idea how you felt because you never said anything?
Talk to them, and you will be surprised by the insight you will receive.
Love is beautiful, and marriage is amazing but they both require hard work, time, sacrifice and patience.
The problem is a lot of people aren’t ready to put in the work!
So instead of a wedding today and a divorce in 6 months later or staying unhappy till death do you part.
It’s better to be sure before you say “I do”.
Doubts about getting married will always arise, what matters is how you deal with it